The Blank Static Screen
by yellowxxxlily
Summary: Lily feels great about life... so great in fact that she doesn't care - about anything. All because of something that happened years ago... Will Lily get away from the blank screen of her life or fall down a slope of despair? LJ Au
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer:** I'm not J.K Rowling, if I were I wouldn't have an English assignment waiting to be done and a room to be cleaned...

**The Blank Static Screen**

**Prologue**

Success... such an infinitely intangible being. People like me tumble down from mountains and climb up precarious hills just to enter and inhabit its wonder. Up till now I've never met someone who has fully devoured and enjoyed the taste of success without feeling some kind of undercurrent that resembles bitterness, regret, revenge.

The natural palatial taste that it has is not one of sweetness but rather smugness. In my eyes success was never all that rubbish about happiness or prosperity. It wasn't even about having excessive amounts of money, the broom you ride, the robes you wear or the people you know. In my eyes success was being the best.

The one who stands out from all the rest, the one who is distinguished... who no one will ever forget.

I'm not mean, heartless nor do I sport a ridiculous amount of pride. In fact, I don't enjoy showing off my various accolades. I'm not your typical 'shove down your greatness on anyone in the vicinity' kind of girl.

I'm not like _him_.

However, I do enjoy the feeling of knowing that, if I wish to do so, I would have the ability to look at someone and be able to say, "Yeah... I'm better than you. I'm the best." Just the fact that if I wanted to I probably could is enough for me.

You see, to me, success involves physical recognition. Be it a diploma, a trophy or even a certificate it's still physical proof that I achieved something. None of that, 'As long as you know you did your best' rubbish. I needed proof to make sure that no one could ever doubt me.

I love public recognition, no matter how tiny, and I think that it's a large part of why I crave success is to satisfy my hunger for this.

I guess I care a lot of what people think of me even if I pretend I don't. The independent, free-spirited, confident, uncaring facade has become a part of my personality even though every shortcoming, every jibe, every rumour, every negative comment hurts as much as I pretend it doesn't.

Some call me insecure... me I just think I'm a victim of the more affluent. A sorry, pathetic little victim.

That's why I'm sitting here in this alley. Away from prying and judgemental eyes, whose vindictive gazes could crack the hardest of hearts. I guess that's also why pushing down this plunger seems so important. Away from their gazes I finally have no one to disappoint.

Almost as though this is my last chance to experience the seductive lure of success before I'm thrown down the same precarious mountain that I climbed to get here.

A way to finally achieve success.

I smiled.

Success in death.

**AN:** Hello dear reader and welcome to my latest fanfic. I just wanted to say that '**The Bend in the Road'** is officially on hiatus till I manage to fix it up. **'A Blank Static Screen' **may seem to be very angsty but I promise that it's more of a dark comedy and keep in mind that this is just the prologue. I'd love to hear feedback from you!


	2. Chapter 1

**The Blank Static Screen**

**Chapter 1**

This was the second time in my life that I was confronted with a building that I would be spending excessive amounts of time in. It was the second time that I realized that for the next couple of years at least this was going to be my home – the place where I would loose pieces of myself and gain new pieces. I wasn't sure I was ready to do that again... I'd lost too much the last time.

I remember the first time I went there, I looked up at the castle in front me with clear eyes not hesitant or afraid, they were almost excited and embracing. There was a certain eagerness in them that no one could doubt. The bright, unguarded smile and the relaxed posture all added to the happy-go-lucky persona I exuded... the happy-go-lucky person I was.

And I remained that person for the first 6 and a half years, but then it happened and nothing went according to plan anymore. It's funny how when something bad happens it ends up triggering other bad things to happen and all that happens in the end is that you're caught in a downward spiral – you get closer and closer to the bottom of the well. And slowly you start slipping down the rope you were holding until it snaps and you land with a thud, and you realize you're all alone with nothing but the water from your tears to comfort you. But even that gets old after a while... you realize that there's no point to crying. There's no point to anything anymore. You just want it to stop. To end.

So the well dries up and it becomes hard and cold – just like you. And just like that, BAM, you hit rock bottom. Except you'd been there for a while now you just hadn't realized but you don't really care anyway. Wanna know the worst part about the plunge? It's completely internal! Isn't that just the cherry on top? You can't even tell people who were once your friends because what can they do? The harder they try to pull you the more you cry and drown in your sorrows. All they can offer you is pity and that makes you feel pathetic. Pity, pathetic... they alliterate for a reason. You think you want to be alone and work it out in your head but you can't and by the time you realize this they're gone. Psychology is a real ass.

All these happy feelings aside I was really looking forward to this. It meant that I could be nobody for a while. Just a face in the crowds. I just had to do my work and that was that. Nobody had to know who I was. I didn't need to shine. This time I would be careful, I didn't need to be successful, I just had to play my part right. That was all the success I really needed.

I, Lily Evans, was going to be a nondescript healer... for now anyway.


	3. Chapter 2

**The Blank Static Screen**

**Chapter 2**

They say that the first day is always the worst. That it gets better after a while, you start to fit in, make friends and you familiarize yourself with the surroundings.

They lied... As usual. Who is this all knowing _they _anyway? Why do we trust him (or her, before the feminists come and burn my bras for being sexist) ? Because I have a few qualms with the hermaphrodite's judgement.

The second day was just as bad as the first, maybe even worse. The first day was just filled with orientation and the usual welcoming. At least then you're seen as the collective 'newbies' as you file through corridors together and are shown around the hospital. You're seen as a group and therefore spoken to as a group and within the group there is very limited interaction as everyone is shy and unsure. Most people anyway.

On the second day you're sent off to your various wards and people actually start addressing _you_ as an individual and _you_ have to answer... ridiculous isn't it? So the inane conservation begins.

"I'm Sister Marigold and I'm the Head of the Intensive Care Unit at St. Mungo's. Wizards and witches are brought here when they are in a critical condition, so things like after effects of unforgivable curses and other serious maladies. As you can imagine the type of patients we have are therefore mainly magical law enforcers and aurors as well as the occasional experimental mishap. Once the patients' condition has stabilized they are then moved to regular wards according to their injuries. You are all very bright, sharp pupils and I have been told that you are all very hard working and look forward to having you here."

Looking at Sr. Marigold I couldn't see why anyone would be _comforted _by her. She was very reminiscent of Ms. Trunchbull in my mind and I felt just like Matilda, waiting for her to grab my (non-existent) pigtails and swing me out the window.

"Lily isn't it?"

"Yeah"

"How do you like St Mungo's so far?"

"It's fine."

She stared at me for a while. I guess she wanted me to say more. What, that it was 'amazing, wonderful, outstanding, an honour to be here'? Well she wasn't getting that from me. I didn't see anything so great about... a part of me _didn't want _to see anything great about it. I was just here to work so that I wouldn't have to squat on the street and could afford to buy mangoes.

That was it.

I don't see why people are always so friendly.

I guess that's why I became a healer. After all of _that _I realized that I didn't want to interact with people or have to form long lasting relationships. I needed a job filled with technicalities. I needed a job where I would be distracted.

That's exactly what being a healer is for me. As a healer you can choose what sort of attitude you want to show your patient. You can be the bubbly, over the top healer or you can choose to be more detached and cool. It doesn't really matter as long as your patient gets better. There's a method and there's no subjectivity... you just follow the rules. As soon as your patient gets better that's the end of the relationship and you can start afresh.

It's far simpler than... lets say, an auror?


End file.
